Are You Selfish?

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Let’s start this new year off with another dose of honesty, shall we.

 However, this blog won’t be admitting the inner lying issue with most people on earth. Today, I am counting my blessings.

 Last month and last year…was a rollercoaster ride for my family. The first half of the year, I experienced success I didn’t know could happen so quickly. And I finally made it to the Denver Comic Con. As soon as the dust settled…my husband’s mother died. It was hard for both of us. He loves his mother very much, so he was torn to bits at the heart, and I was his emotional punching bag. I still am, only because we are together.

 Most people don’t want to deal with such a thing. But I love him and knew his tantrums were from pain. I hadn’t cause them. Eventually he calmed down, apologized and thanked me for being awesome. There are no perfect men. Only men.

 We went through the throws of that and immediately afterwards, my father passed. This was a different feeling. My father was financially stable and left my brother and I money. As soon as I heard this, I didn’t really rejoice. I knew that his family would be after my money.

 Then yes, it happened. My own flesh and blood sent me a statement, suggesting I owed her money for services I wasn’t even invited to. I knew something wasn’t right.

 Finally, they were able to get a hold of me, and I told them the truth. How does one plan an event for someone’s father without asking their permission?

 I’m sure I will hear from them again.

 I decided to take matters into my own fame, and what do you know? I have close to 63,000 fans on Facebook (and growing.) I then…bought my own company and trademark. I felt very accomplished. But there was something in the background that could not be silenced.

 I had been bleeding for two months at this point. And I was almost five months pregnant. After passing two huge clots in November, and spotting-hoping it would clear. It didn’t. December 16th, 2017 the same ordeal occurred. I was rushed to the hospital and stayed there, praying everything would be alright.

 At this point I was six months pregnant. The bleeding didn’t stop as it had before. In fact it got worse. After having an ultrasound to determine the cause, I was told I had a complete previa. This means that the placenta had breached and was covering my cervix. The issue was me bleeding out and hemorrhaging, and it killing our son.

 On December 23rd, 2016, I was transferred to my current physicians hospital. Everything seemed alright. Except that my newest addition, Nathaniel, decided he was tired of waiting. After an awkward morning turned into a day of pain, my water broke. I kept thinking…will he survive? I was then rushed to have a c-section.

 I remember laying there, holding my husbands hand and hoping he came out alive. Once the baby was pulled from my womb, one of the doctor’s on hand said, “he was flailing all limbs about.” That was a huge relief. He even opened his eyes, as my husband mentioned.

 Nathaniel was born December 24th, 2016, and I haven’t stopped worrying since. I was only 25 weeks along. My three others were full term with no complications.

 I worried and cried. And I am not at peace with all of this. However…I can’t do anything for him except hold him. So I call and check on him. He’s usually doing very well. I bring his breast milk, read to him, and talk to him. Right now, I honestly think he felt the stress I was going through and couldn’t deal.

 The reason I decided to share this with you is…the world doesn’t evolve around you. I think it evolves around babies. They need more love and care than adults. You can’t abandon a baby.

 After returning home, I realized that bouncing back was going to take me a while. I can’t pick up my second youngest. I can’t do laundry or household chores. Can’t walk far. I broke down the third day I was home, recognizing how helpless I felt. I wanted to be the super mom I was known for.

 So the next time you think your life is absolutely horrible, remember that it is a selfish thought. Remind yourself that unsuccessful people are typically very selfish. Get it in your head that negativity will never get you anywhere.

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