Walk, Don’t Run

Things have gotten so much better-I am regaining things I lost…but with a new twist.

I am stepping out of my comfort zone. The one I placed myself in when probably the biggest war of my life began. 

I had everything taken away from me. I allowed it. When I stepped down from where I was, and allowed wretched people to run and control my emotions, I then placed myself into a capsule and cut myself off from the world.

You’re like, “but you’re famous and successful!”

On the contrary…that has everything to do with my pain. 

While I did work and worked hard…and though successes came greatly and abundantly, I was still locked inside my capsule, pretending like the monsters I once allowed to control me didn’t exist. 

Unfortunately, my capsule wasn’t strong enough. Eventually it broke, and while I had to face my greatest fears…I had my own evil, malignant growth waiting to take over. And it did. 

As I attempted to control the festering wounds I was ignoring, I felt as though I were spiraling down-I wasn’t recognizing my own talent. I didn’t think I was a good mother…or a good person.

Truth of the matter is…I wasn’t necessarily lashing out because I have a dark side…while I was having children, writing books and illustrating…I was taking on everyone else’s problems. It wore on my soul.

No one ever asked me if I was okay-they knew I had been suffering.

When I dealt with my issues, I saw how deeply wounded I was. I acted according to what people said about me. I allowed their view to change my reality. I suffered terribly for this. 

I’ll tell you this much without getting more episodic-individuals who use and abuse do not have a happy ending. There are many people in my life who still haven’t earned my respect. It took me three long years, trying to get over everything that ever happened to me. 

Do things trigger me? Yes, but now I know what to do when that occurs.

Does it still hurt? Only if I allow it to flourish. 

Why are you sharing this? Because not enough people talk about pain, the allowance of damage from others (ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU’RE A GOOD PERSON) and how to deal.

I went to therapy and DV classes so I could understand. I mean, truly understand. You think about giving too much of yourself, and the immediate thought is being paid in the end. But if you die before that karma deals you back in dividends…was it worth it?

Stooping so low. Seeing the signs and turning a bling eye? Do you feel like people are trying to control you? They are. It’s especially hard when it’s your husband or a parent…but just because they are doesn’t make it okay. 

You don’t necessarily need to verbally or physically fight back. Train yourself. Spot the signs, understand they may have issues they’re dealing with as well. The thing about that is-if they’re not trying to be better…it’s not your fault. Set boundaries. Walk away from arguments. It isn’t worth it.

It took me a very long time. Even when I thought I was okay, I wasn’t. When I did see I had been healed…it was an amazing feeling. I deal with issues differently, including things from my past. I recognize abusive behavior, and keep my distance and lay out boundaries. 

I also began to realize how amazing I am, despite everything I’ve been through. My work…all of it…was suddenly breathtaking. I’m easier to talk to, I appreciate more.

But I still have my boundaries. I’ve healed, I’ve changed. Some people don’t want to…so they can have an excuse to attempt to hurt you.

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