Today’s blog topic, I feel, isn’t discussed enough.
In fact, I think we enablelize it more than we disable the type of behavior I will speak on.
Please note that the things discussed are from EXPERIENCE…not a study.
Here is a scenario for you. You’ve got a nice career, have accomplished many things in your life. But you’re humble and quiet. The thing you think is missing may be a partner. Unfortunately, you haven’t had the best experience with that.
Exes are exes for a reason, and a lot of individuals don’t have the slightest clue on how a relationship should go. You’ve been hurt, belittled, used and a slew of other things that sadly, line up in the category. But, look at you, dating, talking to others…chasing.
Eventually, you end up falling in love with someone. For you, it’s the middle ground-between hell and bliss. To them, it seems like it’s a game. Seriously, how could this person not have fallen for you?
Here may be a few reasons why. But, before we run away with our obvious emotions, let me also point out some people don’t want love-or so they say.
Once you finally end up together…and you realized how much you chased…cried…worried. It still doesn’t seem right. You begin to worry even more than when you were in pursuit. That’s namely because you saw all the red flags…but ignored them.
While this person is charming, probably great in bed, it still feels like something is missing. The signs are still very much there. Absent on random occasions. Unexplainable anger issues. Lack of respect for other people.
And then, you hit a major milestone with them. A child, marriage or moving in together. You think the closer they are, the better-you can fix them. Meanwhile, they just ensnared you.
It has happened to countless people, countless times. And some of us don’t leave. Some of us stay and endure things. We think, “We’re all human, these things happen.” Wrong. While we all are human with our many imperfections, people who treat others like prey typically have long stemming issues before you came into the picture.
Some of these individuals bounce from relationship to relationship, and yes…still doing all the dirt they’ve done to you. You may or may not seek help or therapy, but the effects are long term, and may seem like they last forever.
You won’t recognize it, even though it hurts. You won’t deal with it, even when it’s gotten out of control. When you’ve just had about enough, you won’t be the savior by making the wrong move-even if it means wringing yourself free.
Predatory individuals seek peaceful households and people because it’s easier to slowly sabotage a good person, than a quick kill with someone of their type. So, typically, they look for unsuspecting fools hungry for love and companionship (notice how I haven’t outlined a sex type with this)
While you will probably bounce back with your career, family life and finances, it is likely they will continue with the same song and dance. HOWEVER, please remember this one simple fact if you’re suffering. They will NEVER be happy because their happiness lives off of being a controlling, egotistical, thieving, cheating, lying….narcissist.
These types come in all shapes and sizes. They can be a pastor, a politician, people who are sorely set up but crave power, and even individuals who use their good looks to survive. (Just to name a few)
There is no silver lining for any of these people. They have to hurt others to make it through their life-even those with money and power. It is a necessity to cling on to someone and use them. It can’t be helped.
It seems like they’re everywhere! As if it’s a festering disease that cannot be cured. And it is…and they are. But people who fall victim are guilty of enabilizing that type of behavior. The world is tired of allowing people who have no business running things…ruining things.
I can’t name one country where individuals don’t experience this. It’s worldwide…and it needs to stop.
One of the first things that will help is recognizing how great you are BY YOURSELF. You attract the type of vibration you put out. People have grown up hearing that it’s not okay to love yourself, or what you are capable of. That allows others seeking to use and abuse easy access to just about everyone’s weathered soul.
It can be reversed and it may take a while, but loving yourself will help keep the monsters at bay.
They will only attach themselves to people who cannot see or value their worth. While they’d like to go after powerful and protected people, it would be harder and more than likely a waste of time because they either wouldn’t get much, or they’d end up embarrassed.
A lot of times, when we’re done with someone, we try to cut them off. Some of these individuals find it to be a game, and actually end up angry because you’re done dealing with them. It seems harsh and brash but it needs to be done.
So, if you’ve been hurt, you can begin to heal yourself. Love on yourself. Remind your soul that you are great and amazing. Tell yourself this daily. Point out why you’re great and amazing. Look at past projects, it helps start new ones. Look at your family, or your children. It helps remind you how it hurt…but you’re still here.
Do this until you feel an overwhelming feeling of joy! You may want to cry. You also may want to dance. That means it’s working.
The second thing that really helps is therapy. I feel all the things I will list will help greatly. Listen intently to your therapist. Just because you’re told you have something wrong with you…doesn’t mean you can’t overcome anything or your issues.
Therapists in this day in age really want to help, so you have to be open. Some understand that being judgemental will not help you, so do your research when seeking therapy. Be honest with your mistakes-they led you to being ensnared.
Eventually, your therapist will see that you may not need their help anymore. But REMEMBER everything you might learn. Go back to the drawing board, look for red flags. Even the small ones.
Belittling, lying, controlling, even demeaning your worth because of what you believe in…is abuse. It is not okay. It is never okay. And it never will be okay.
When dating-if you’ve set a boundary and it keeps getting ignored, find someone who deserves your love. If you’ve set a boundary and that’s not good enough…cut them off and move on. Sex can be used as a way to control others into believing the offending party loves you. Once you give them what they want, they will leave OR come back for only that.
Communication while dating is important. Someone who is clingy is a concern…and someone who messages you once a week is a concern (this one can be slightly more understood because of career choices, but nonetheless…if they don’t contact you consistently, yet want attention, be very wary)
If you can’t express ideas to someone for them to reciprocate back, they are broken. If they are broken…you can’t fix them. They can only fix themselves.
A good example of great communication…when someone mentions they’re not good at texting back right away BUT THEY STILL MESSAGE YOU BACK. Pay attention to patterns and behavior, it will clue you in to who they really are. (This should also include friendships and the way you communicate with family, even)
Anyone promising you things early on is likely going to turn on you, claiming all they had done. The word relationship has an awesome little prefix we seem to be missing-relate. If you’re relating correctly…there won’t be any abuse. Honestly.
Men, especially, who offer compliments constantly…are a concern as well. Look at the words being used. You can only call someone beautiful so many times before it becomes old. Words are also a clue into how well this person uses their brain.
My next few statements should be looked at thoroughly. Humans may seem to be superficial or materialistic, but if you’re dating either a man or woman…and they don’t have a sturdy foundation-RUN!
I’m not talking about cars, clothes, money. I speak of a career, because this will allow you to see if they can appreciate what they are given…and if they can earn something. (In most cases) If he or she sleeps on someone’s couch, and they’re over the age of 25, it’s highly likely this will be their life. You need to ask what choices they made that brought them to someone’s couch. They say roommate, when they really mean someone took pity on them.
If they have an actual room, that’s different. Never step off of your pedestal for someone who should have it together. Don’t listen to “how hard the world is.” That’s a control mechanism and an excuse as to why they’ve made poor life choices. Everyone’s life is hard at some point in time, so anyone using the blame game has no intent of doing the right thing.
People who make constant comparisons to the rich, successful or even those who are well off… it is a sign of jealousy. And it is never okay. Those who cannot be content with what they have or set a plan in motion without griping about life…will not go far. The signs are very clear here. They may give up halfway…if you’re doing well…now you’re the enemy…And so on.
These are only a few examples of what to look out for, as I’m sure everyone has their own experience. But it needs to be talked about way more than it has been!
As always, thanks for reading! Please enjoy your week!